The Present: ‘I’m ok with not BEING ok’.
I’m actively sharing these not so perfect parts of my life, so that people may feel less alone.
All the highlight reels both personally and professionally that we see on social media these days are just snippets of someone’s life. Yet we constantly compare ourselves to what is presented behind filters, edits and multiple photos being taken in order to capture the perfect angle. Rarely do we share our challenges, our lows and the way we react to them. I want you to know the real me, the perfectly imperfect. That’s what makes me who I am… It’s what has lead me to where I am today - the good and the bad.
In my previous blog, I spoke about my first ‘Not Ok’ moment, the one where I chose to take action, because lets be honest there probably were multiple ‘not ok’ moments prior to that one but I just wasn’t ready to do what we needed and that’s ok. At the time I was finally ready, without anyone else pushing me to do so, I admitted that I wasn’t ok and that it was time for change.
I also wanted to acknowledge that this one and quite significant ‘not ok moment’ in the past, doesn’t mean that I don’t have them anymore, because I do. They show up out of the blue and often interrupt my day to day life. The difference now though is that although they are still painful, my ability to lean in and acknowledge how I feel looks different. It’s not perfect, because nothing ever is, but the intensity is different and how I move through it has changed over time. I now have much better coping mechanisms and acceptance in place.
So let’s dive into recent moments that I’ve dealt with and how my experiences may be able to help you on your own journey.
Firstly, let’s talk about pain, loss and grief. How do you process these feelings when the loss of someone who plays a vital part in your life and has shaped who you are today, suddenly leaves this physical world? How do you accept the overwhelming pain?
I recently went through this and am still moving through the stages of grief.
The guilt, frustration and self-blame came hard and fast.
I had to consciously take a step back and look after myself, pulling away from friends and my business at times.
In this moment of grief and anguish I was lucky enough to be able to let go of some responsibility I had professionally and have staff take over for me. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for years - to let go of complete control. This moment of complete grief forced me to do better not just for me but for my business as well. In doing so I was able to be present with my family. It reminded me that you need to be able to tell those around when you’re not ok.
Around the same time that I lost someone great in my life, I also realised that the primary person who was helping me with the business wasn’t quite the right fit. That I’d chosen wrong and what was meant to be relief and shared responsibility, turned into piling that responsibility back onto my shoulders. In this moment, there was anger. It lead to the realisation that there are some aspects of running a business that I don’t like, but it was a part of what I needed to do to get where I was hoping to go. So I just did it, I didn’t complain and just kept moving forward.
Put these two things together, add a couple more months of trials, tribulations, great successes, celebrations, seeing family, health scares with grandparents, maintaining relationships and developing new ones, and it gets to a point where you have to acknowledge that you can’t keep bottling up your feelings. That it’s time to truly grieve and accept that you need to take care of yourself first.
It’s now time to heal. Time to feel my deep loss and grieve who I am missing. It is time to forgive myself and to stop being angry at myself. It’s time to acknowledge that I have done the best I could and that it’s now a moment where I need to give back to myself.
To be completely honest with you, I have never cried as deeply as I have recently. Releasing the pain has been exhausting. I can however feel the weight slowly lifting from my shoulders, giving me the time and space to be able to give back to myself. It’s been eye opening.
People often talk about their self-care strategies and what we do when they are not ok to get themselves back on track. For me personally, I have so many different coping mechanisms that I use. Some are conducive, positive and bring me back, others are avoidant and don’t address the problem head on.
In the essence of who I am and sharing this with you, I thought i’d share my coping strategies with you. These are:
Keeping busy and keeping my brain occupied.
Starting new projects or refining goals and ideas that I am already working on
Keeping my weekends busy with family and friends
Journalling and meditation
Exercise in moderation
Reconnecting with nature - through a hike, walk or run in an environment that is comforting
Talking to someone in my support network that I trust or reach out to an allied health professional when needed - which I want to stress the importance of doing so. There is no weakness in asking for professional help, only GREAT STRENGTH!
In addition to these healthy coping mechanisms, I initially avoided some of my self-care strategies because I didn’t want to feel. Truthfully, I denied myself of those things listed above for 4 months. One thing I am not proud of but it is often used as an unhealthy coping mechanism is alcohol. I sometimes use it as a way of distracting myself, in order to not feel. This is usually when I know high intensity emotions are coming and I don’t have the time or space to let it out and process it, but it bides me some time until I do. In my early years, the consumption would be more regular, now in the face of being vulnerable, it can be a week of drinking until I have that moment to let go and to heal. It’s never excessive but I have used it like many as a way of avoiding problems.
Until we fully acknowledge what our unhealthy coping mechanisms are, we can’t truly deal with it and make a positive change. That’s why I share this imperfect part of me today. So that someone may read this and get the strength they need to speak up, take care of themselves and realise that what they are doing is just prolonging dealing with the emotions at hand.
So this brings us to where I am right now.
I am processing and healing from four months of highs and lows. I am grieving loss, sadness and letting go of my anger. I am opening up to my family and friends about how I feel, what has been happening and what I need. I am taking time to sit with these feelings, to let go and give thanks for what I have and where I am right now. I am rekindling my spiritual side that ultimately directs and guides me but also gives me strength when I need it most. I’m eating yummy nourishing food, re-engaging in exercise that makes me happy and sharing time with my friends. It’s not perfect, but it is a start. Most importantly I try to remember and lean in to what makes me happy, where my passions lie. I’m enjoying the abundance of love and support that I have around me, the opportunities that have been presented to me and acknowledging what I can continue to give to people in my community. I am hopeful for what will come my way as I move forward through this phase and know that all these emotions and feelings too shall pass.
I hope that in reading this, you too can confront your feelings.