Our Essence - Parent to Child

The last couple OF months have been busy reconnecting to family, making the move home and growing my business. It’s felt busier and more fulfilling than ever before.

Sometimes, what happens in our personal life, can run in parallel with our professional life. It seems that the busier my personal life became, the busier my business became. As I outlined in a previous blog, you will only have success in you professional life if you’re also doing the work in your personal life at the same time. A calm, happy and healthy mind and body will allow you to find balance and achieve the goals you desire in your career. Over the years, I have seen many parallels between my personal and professional life and to be able to identify them, establish a plan and work through them, has changed everything.

In relation to this, i’d like to chat about connection and looking after one’s self - especially in relation to parent child relationships.

I’m currently surrounded by many new mums or mums to be. It has prompted a lot of questions about the importance of first 3, 6, 9 and 12 months of life.

What is most fascinating to me, is identifying how different each child is. How each baby has a different sensory make up and how that impacts their three most vital roles as a new born; sleep, nourishment and bodily functions. In having conversations with friends and family about their baby, there is a vast array of experiences had by each parent. One friend may have the perfect sleeping baby, an established routine and one that eats well, whilst another had a stressful birth, many difficulties with sleeping and soothing, and trouble with eating including reflux issues. There is no one size fits all when it comes to babies. Every single one is different. The sooner we as parents and carers realise that, the better we are at coping with the challenges presented.

Not recognising this and expecting an easy, perfect baby is overwhelming, stressful, isolating and just purely heartbreaking for both the mother and child. It’s easy to over analyze the situation and expect that there is always an easy solution. It’s easy to self-blame and compare yourself to other parents who seem to be having an easier time. Why do we disreguard the first few months of life as a challenging time and say that it’s ‘just the way it should be’ when the mother most likely is suffering adjusting to being a primary carer?

The fact is, much like our personal and professional lives tend to parallel one another, the wellbeing of the parent / caregiver in the early stages of life, effect the baby as they enter the world. You MUST learn to identify when you need help, create a plan and work through it.

The lack of sleep, anxiety and the constant stress to be perfect for your child is purely unrealistic. Working towards the ideal of perfection is not ok and is ultimately detrimental to both mother and child. Not working through the difficulties presented will greatly impact the connection between the mother and baby. Attachment, connection and shared experiences are the most powerful and important part of development that in turn feeds your child’s emotional regulation development, resilience, attention, concentration and the ability to process the world around them, which all happens in the first 3 months of life! That’s right, the foundation to all emotional regulation, mental health and wellbeing stems from the first few months of life. Yet where is the education on this? Our health professionals are often failing to give the recommendations, or ask the right questions to ensure the best pre and post natal care for our mothers is always at the forefront of the new born experience.

This education is so paramount. As i’ve described in previous posts, to be able to understand our own essence of expression initially comes from self awareness and our own development of regulation capacities. If you look after yourself and have developed these skills, our ability to hold space, be present and support the foundations and development of our own children, will allow them to develop their own individual essence of expression. It all starts with that parallel.

Looking after you, means looking after your child.

As an occupational therapist, I work closely on individual differences in sensory processing capacities; suck- swallow- breathe synchrony’s and working on the mother/child, father/child and caregiver/child connection for shared attention and engagement, required for all regulation capacities. Outside of an OT’s help in this area, there are some amazing chiropractor’s who work on alignment for mother and child, or physiotherapists who specialise in pre and post natal care for mothers, as well as motor development in infants. Just to name a few.

There are so many health professionals out there who are identifying the need for a greater awareness of physical and mental health in primary carers, in order to develop connection. In my company Explore and Soar, we want to be supporting our parents and their children to be the best that they can be. So don’t be afraid to reach out to us or your other local health professionals. Ask questions, educate and be kinder to yourself as you navigate through uncharted territory. Whether it’s the first or fourth child, every baby is different. The biggest learning curve for parents within my generation is that this information or help wasn’t easily accessible to their parents when they were born, nor was it known. We are so much more educated now and our ability to understand and offer assistance is at your disposal.

Early intervention is vital, the evidence is there.

Always trust your instincts and don’t stop until you have the answers you need. If people implore you to leave a problem you have encountered for a month to see if it’s still a concern and then do something about it, please don’t. Deal with it then. It could pave the way for something else detrimental, as development is fast and ever changing - not dealing with the crux of the concern in that moment, could turn into something bigger when your child is older.

Most importantly, walk away from this article knowing that there are parallels between you and other aspects of your life. You have to look after yourself in order to be the best version of yourself for those around you. Be kind to yourself and know that there is always support around you. Remember no one strategy works for all, all interventions and recommendations are individualised for each person, so getting advice from your health professionals is always recommended.